A Look Within
by i-onlyswimfree
Summary: Gen. Levi finds emotions to be burdensome when it comes to serving in the Survey Corps. After all, with fellow comrades dying left and right, it's best not to get too attached. He does it anyway.


**a look within.**

It's amusing that Lance Corporal Levi is seen as simply Humanity's Strongest Soldier, believed to be some sort of a shining beacon of hope. That's the type of status and mindset Commander Erwin encourages to keep up, even though Levi couldn't give a shit whether he is feared, loved, or hated. Everyone believes him to be some sort of unfeeling statue that is only a killing machine, nothing more. It gets pretty annoying sometimes, especially so when he is rides out on expeditions and has to see everyone's adoring eyes locked on him.

Sure, pretty much everyone gets the same treatment in the Survey Corps, and only when they are leaving. He may be a more famous face, coupled with Commander Erwin and a few others, but it's only due to how long they have survived. When they are coming _back_, however...that is when everyone forgets the praises they had sang about them and the furious, irritated whispers start up.

He ignores them, sure; face as stoic as ever, his eyes half-lidded and making him look almost bored by all that was occurring around him. But it's impossible for him to hide the aggravation he truly feels from himself. His shoulders are locked, his grip on the reins taut, and he feels tightly strung, willing to snap at any moment.

Often citizens wonder what is the use of the Survey Corps, why they are wasting their money on them. Never do they understand the threat of the Titans, beings they have never had the displeasure to face. The very beings the Survey Corps have to see. And sometimes those beings are the last thing they see before death embraces them, desperately hoping that their life had served some sort of purpose, had helped humanity move one step closer to eradicating the Titans once and for all.

There have been many situations where Levi has had to hold onto the hand of a dying soldier, their eyes shiny with tears and pleas falling like prayers from their lips. Asking him if they had been useful, if they had been brave until the last moment, if they had achieved something - _anything_. These situations are the hardest to face when it comes to being the Lance Corporal, Humanity's Strongest Soldier, a shining beacon of hope when he feels like anything but.

And still he swallows these doubts, these foolish _fears_, and says in his sincerest, strongest voice that _yes, you have served your purpose. You have made me stronger. Your death will not be in vain. I will avenge you._ It's hard to promise something that you aren't sure you are going to be able to fulfil.

Because Levi is many things but stupid is not one of them: he knows very well that he could die any day, that he could do something stupid and end up in the stomach of a Titan. He is strong, he is a fierce opponent, and he has a lot of experience, but he knows that even that cannot help in the long run. Luck has to be on your side, and luck is as finicky as living a healthy, long life is nowadays. And the odds are very much against you when you are part of the Survey Corps.

Getting attached to those you work alongside with is the worst thing you could do when you are in the Survey Corps. Everyone knows this, as the death toll on every expedition is above 30%. People you've never met, seen once or twice, or known a majority of your life can be taken away from you, can be devoured right in front of you, and thus they have all learnt that attachment isn't the smart choice. Levi knows this better than anyone, as he has been around long enough to see quite a few people he knew well get killed. One would think that he no longer cares, that he no longer feels. It doesn't seem that way, after all; he has a perpetually bored look on his face whenever he comes or goes.

And that person would be wrong.

Somehow, for some strange reason, Levi can't bring himself to _not_ care. He forms bonds and relationships with the other men and women that serve alongside him in the Survey Corps; not easily, but with time. He may not be the kindest or the gentlest but that doesn't mean that he hates everyone apart from himself and Commander Erwin as some like to think. It's difficult _not_ to get attached in Levi's case; even if he has had only one meaningful conversation with a comrade, or not even one pleasantry at all, he is still willing to come to their aid or avenge them or ensure that _yes, you served humanity well_.

There was a time where he hadn't been seen as a hero, or courageous, or been thought of in even a positive manner. He had been feared, hated, begrudgingly respected, but never seen as anything more than scum or a hoodlum. Erwin had changed that, challenged him in a way that he hated yet came to almost _enjoy_; he had seen a potential in him that no one had. A potential that even Levi himself had not been aware of. He couldn't thank him enough for how he had pulled him from a life that had been eating away at him from the inside out, but he never did. And Erwin never asked for any thanks-only results, which Levi had gotten much too good at giving.

But with every expedition he goes on, every comrade he loses, he feels as if a piece of him is ripped away from him. It's that way with everyone who has lived as long as he, but even that's difficult to think of when he finds himself wallowing in self-pity. It's annoying, having to deal with it, as he dislikes being thought of as weak. He _isn't_ weak, God dammit, but how could he be strong when it's so difficult to operate after another mission gone sour?

Levi is able to hide it from most but his squad knows better, Erwin knows better, everyone who has lived so long beside him knows better. He may be cold and he may callous and he may be irritating to those who have to deal with his wrath and scathing words but there is no denying it: he has a heart. A heart that decays and shrivels up in on itself with every passing day, every life lost.

At the end of it all, he has to lock his jaw tight, keep a firm grip on the reigns, and trot carefully through the crowd of adoring and loathing citizens. Because that is what Erwin brought him out of darkness for. To become a light glowing brightly in the very darkness he had once been a part of. No matter how many times that light may sputter out, weak. As long as there is even one life to protect, Lance Corporal Levi, Humanity's Strongest Soldier, is not going to give up just yet. There are Titans to kill and soldiers to boss around, after all.

* * *

**A/N:** After having watched quite a bit of the anime and having bought a few books of the manga, I decided to go ahead and write this. It was originally supposed to be a Levi/Hanji oneshot, but it ended up going in a more Levi mindset, encompassing his thoughts and feelings and whatnot. I find that often times Levi is made out to be heartless, or like he is too used to bloodshed and comrades dying, but I believe that while he is _used_ to it, it is impossible for him to not grieve. Especially when we had seen in both the manga and anime that he had consoled a dying soldier with a lot of passion and vigour, and so I honestly believe that will he can be a hard ass, he does have feelings and those feelings are usually only seen in dire situations.

And thus I felt the need to try and get into his mind, even though it is rather difficult for me. I feel that this probably was OOC, but hopefully it stayed somewhat true to his character. I do honestly believe that Levi cares a lot, maybe even more than he should, for those in the Survey Corps, and so if it OOC in the sense that he seems "too caring", then I personally don't find it all that out of character at all.

Anywhom, enough of my ramble. I hope you enjoyed reading this short piece! Please do review your thoughts and even favourite if you (surprisingly) liked this! Since this is at the moment unedited, if you do find any mistakes or inconsistencies, do let me know as well!


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